In Reflection

My first post in two years. I’m currently in the midst of finishing up my website & shop design and have just transfered my old blogger blog over to this new site. As I scanned through, recategorizing all of them, I saw some common threads, and also realized how different of a person I am now.

I had a ton of posts starting with me apologizing for my lack of posts. I also had a lot where I talked about how busy I am, as I was working full time, taking almost a full course load in college and raising my oldest baby girl. Do you know what brings tears to my eyes about all of that? Nothing has changed. It’s gut wrenching. Almost nine years later and I still don’t have time to live the life I want for myself and my family, despite years of hard work towards my goals, the countless setbacks of our life have landed me in a far different place than I had ever anticipated. It’s hard to not let a part of me grieve the life that could’ve been.

That baby girl I was busy raising? She started high school this week. Life is flying by and sometimes it’s just way too fast.

 

Idaho Drive Illustrator

 

No more apologies about it though, life happens to all of us in different ways, and I need to stop saying sorry for things out of my control.

I’m different now. Almost losing my husband, and the subsequent years of managing his cancer that have followed, have left me a much different person.

I’m not quite as positive and optimistic. I’ve had my fair share of set backs my entire life, but in the past, I saw hope and I refused to believe that my hard work and perseverance wouldn’t advance me somehow. Lately, it’s getting harder. The setbacks, they’re getting grander, and the chaos just doesn’t stop.

I know I’m not the only person who has to struggle with hard life things. We all have something. I just hope that this is a bad season and that it can only improve from here.

There is some good that has come of this humbling of my drive for accomplishment, and my preconceived notion of what my life should be. I’ve learned to let things go, I like to joke that in order for some part of my life to be in good working order, another part has to fall apart, because I simply don’t have time for it all. And this has started to break down my super woman complex, allowing me to accept, and ask, for help.

We’ve had some traumatic life events this year, and that could be playing a part in how I feel about my outlook at the moment. I am hopeful the hard season won’t last forever though.

I am excited for new illustration work, this new website, my new online shop and my next art show. I am grateful for friends and family, new and old, who’ve been here for me and my family as we go through our hard stuff. I’m looking forward to being on the other side of it and getting to slow down again, find joy in my passions again. Take photos of my growing babies again. Try new recipes again. Feel human again.

Here’s to new beginnings.

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